Let me roll up my sleeves a bit and get some things out in the open.
- I studied to be a pastor.
- I love the Church.
- I love my church.
And lastly—I feel like the guy on the Titanic who is saying, “Man, do we really need to be that close to the iceberg? Shouldn’t we slow down?” And everyone laughs and cheers and has more chicken wings.
The church is going to hit that iceberg in about 5-7 years—hard.
Let me tell you about that iceberg.
When I started interviewing for pastoral positions about 10 years ago, I could barely score an interview for one simple fact: I was single. I had been hung up on, interviews halted and I received tons of letters that said, “Thank you for your application…..” Now I didn’t have a ton of experience and I didn’t want to be a youth pastor. I aimed at, oddly enough, single pastor positions, training, teaching, etc. But it seemed they just cared about the lack of gold around my left ring finger.
I was discouraged and I didn’t want to find someone just to increase my job opportunities. (By the way, I could have completely put churches in court by suing for discrimination and bad hiring practices. I would have won easily. And maybe that’s why these practices continue. But I couldn’t do it.) So at some point, I just threw in the towel. I said, fine, I’m out. I packed up my toys and left ministry. I’d do it in a volunteer way, but not “official” ministry (ugh). And it’s worked out, I’ve enjoyed my life and I feel I’ve been where God has wanted me.
But now I’m cresting into 40-town and there aren’t many single people around. And I don’t mean so I can get married but I mean so single people can love the church. Because here’s the iceberg people:
The church tells us that being married is a spiritual barometer—and that is a total lie from the pit of hell.
Being married has nothing to do with your spiritual maturity—trust me.
And the Bible says:
1 Corinthians 7:8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am.
But does the church really, honestly, believe that? I’m saying no.
The church has married retreats and marriage sermons. They have married small groups (and newly married small groups, and 3-5 years married, etc.) I know of many churches that will not allow a Bible study for singles because they are afraid they will hook up. And I think, they would figure it out there? Like they can’t figure out premarital sex on their own?
And the church will marginalize us.They will tsk and tsk about us being single. And yes, I’ve been to single groups where it’s just a moping session about how they are single. Pass me the Pepto Bismol.
Here are some reasons the church can’t really handle us single folk:
They forgot what singleness is: I know of very few churches that have a pastor on staff that is single. I knew one. He got married. And you can say, “Oh yeah, what about our youth pastor? He’s not married.” “Is he engaged?” “Yes.” Sigh. The pastoral staff does not understand our struggles and so they shrug and talk about love languages.
They make up dumb names: Here’s a word that is going around: “unmarried.” It screams that we lack something—give me an identity that is about what I am not what I’m not. Please, please stop using that word.
It’s about money: There I said it. Married people make more than single people. And so it would behoove the church to focus on marrieds.
Single people are perceived to have more pre-marital sex and other issues than marrieds. What a crock. I’d love Gallup to take that one on. What’s more damaging? Pre-martial sex or an affair (Oh, I know your head just spun twelve directions.) I’m not a fan of either, but I’ve seen marriages implode in the reality of an affair.
Singles must be socially awkward since they are not married. Ok, I have met some single people, a lot actually. And I’ve met some real “bless your heart” kind of people. And I’ve met some quite normal, kind single people. I’ve met some married people and thought, “That marriage has to be arranged.” But even if we are socially awkward, the church shouldn’t be a country club.
What the church is missing out on:
Single people have time to serve the church MORE than married people. Yeah, you heard me. We come home to an empty apartment—we want to help, but when we get shunned or shuffled off or even made to feel inferior because we are single, we do other things. Like get 12 cats. Invite us to events. Put us in charge. We will put a lot of time into it. Our kid isn’t going to get sick. We don’t need a babysitter. What we can’t give in money, we can give in time.
We are relational glue: We want to know your family. We will babysit (don’t push it though. Your kid can be a real pistol.) We can take you guys out for coffee. We’ll help you clean your garage or wash your car. (Key: help.) We want friendship and we are available. If you get to know us, you can get a great friend out of the deal.
We are all here: We have no other concern, but that to serve God. We’d be great on missions trips or youth trips. We are not divided between our home and our church. And that’s a great thing.
Singles don’t need a program or a certain meeting time. We need a warm handshake, and invitation over (or accept ours.) We want to feel included and welcomed and to not have our left hand stared at. We know we aren’t wearing a ring. We know that in the morning and in the evening; we know that when Valentine’s day rolls around or we go to a wedding. We just want to know we can go to church and not have another reminder. Because in 5-7 years, with singleness on the rise, the church is going to have to take a hard look at what they are doing to love singles at their church—if there are any left.
Ryan McRae is a single man. He wrote a book on college here. He’ll send you a postcard from Afghanistan here.
He likes this.
http://www.jonacuff.com/stuffchristianslike/2012/02/surviving-church-as-a-single/
15 Comments
That is an awesome blog. Gonna post the link on my church’s FB page immediately.
Love you, babe! In a purely, platonic way cuz… (kicks the dirt) I’m married.
Fantastically written.
I’ve sat in church staff mtgs and listened to 60 year old pastors pontificate on how to “minister” to single people…with the subtext that anyone single must be doing nothing but sitting around depressed because they aren’t living in the daily bliss of holy wedded matrimony…and then I look at the complete sham of a marriage they’re living out…#PastorFail.
I’ve also been asked to come perform at quite a few church singles groups where it’s obvious that it’s the room they toss the emotionally traumatized & disabled people with whom they just can’t seem to relate. I was taken with the thought on one particular night that the group assembled there represented more aggregate pain and loss than I could conceivably imagine…and that I had no real idea what it meant to be adult and single since I did the expected Christian thing and got married when I was 21.
I’m glad you’re tackling this head on. I recently heard someone talk about how Jesus wouldn’t even be considered for a pastoral job in the U.S. because he was single and hadn’t been to seminary. The Church at large needs to do better…way better…and I’m glad you’re speaking out on it. I’ll admit I don’t have the answers and hope that I’m not part of the problem because I’m married and sometimes involved in church…but I’m with you and agree with you that we can’t put conditions on loving and engaging people and serving them as they are….not as a churchy institution decides they should be.
Love you man!
Thanks. I know it sounds preachy, but I find more and more singles have NO reason to get to church. They are on the island of misfit toys. You’d be dismayed how many single people sit home alone, wanting friends. I attended a huge church for 2 years and left more lonely every day.
I heard Donald Miller speak on being single… and I’ve stuck to what he said: God created Adam first and they were in perfect relationship. Eve wasn’t even created yet. Adam was even lonely while in perfect relationship with God. Theologians also suggest Adam was single for a long time; after all – he had to name all the animals. So, even in a perfect relationship with God, when sin hasn’t even been part of the picture, people are still longing for companionship/relationship. I always hated hearing: you’re single because God is still refining you. Oh boy. There is nothing like refinement and being Christ-like until you live with someone who you are supposed to love until “death do you part”. Yikes. And, I have a LONG way to go until refinement, lol.
Anyway, I just decided when I was single to love God, and love others, and do what I do. And I hoped that someday I would find someone who also was loving God, and loving others, and doing what he did and we’d just bump into one another. I met my husband on a mission trip. But, if I’d never met him, I’d still be going along, loving God, loving others, and doing what I did.
My Dad is a Pastor and I’m forwarding this on to him. It made me so thoughtful.
Oh, Ryan McRae—You have hit a nerve here.
I am a single man who loves Jesus and loves the Word of God and loves the Body of Christ. I’m sorry to say that practices such as this led to my decision to leave the institutional church in search of meaningful service and community in the organic church.
And I still haven’t found it, because my fellow Christians don’t regard me as a “whole” person. But I am a whole person. Yes, I am not married. And, I am not looking to be married. And, sure, I’m disabled. But no, I’m not a freak and I’m dying to serve and feel valued and part of the community of faith.
What passes for “church” in America amounts to a country club, where people with families, good health, and money are valued and connected, but people who happen to be single, disabled, or poor (or, God help you, all three!) are marginalized and literally segregated, on the outside looking in, deprived of inclusion and even more of service. We are missing out on what God has ordained for us as members of Christ’s body.
Wow, so many thoughts swirling through my brain now! Ryan, gotta take issue with you on the “money” thing. Married couples may or may not make more than singles (we certainly weren’t when I was homeschooling three small kids), but I am willing to bet that singles have more disposable income, since they don’t have to start that college fund, or pay for dance lessons and sports equipment. The church is taking the wrong bet there.
I agree with you on what they are missing out on, and I liked Dom’s “country club” analysis. I actually had a non-church friend make a similar comment to me years ago, and it’s stuck with me ever since. I’m none of Dom’s three (single, disabled, poor- though I do have a disabled son, and could be considered so myself on days of really bad flair ups), but still feel that marginalization. I’ve spent the last several years trying to live Christ where I am, in the community groups I’m a part of, not the church, and actually having a good marriage and family situation that I’m not neglecting for some busy church work.
This is good. And I’m a little ashamed that I haven’t really thought about this before, because it definitely deserves attention.
As a friend used to say “pastor, you’re not preaching now – you’re meddling”. Seriously, though, you have hit a nerve with this one. I’ve been married since before I was a Christian, so I am NOT qualified to comment on singles ministry at the church. You are, and thanks for bringing it up. Let me encourage you to keep on bringing it up for as long as it takes to wake up the church. Our society is moving toward singleness and we will miss out on opportunities for ministry and evangelism if we don’t pay attention and reach out to those who need Jesus but don’t fit into the standard box labelled “Christian”. Be encouraged.
Almost every church I’ve ever been to tries to catergorize and compartmentalize demographic groups. And to some extent, it makes sense. After all, it is somewhat natural for couples to hang out with couples or singles with other singles and that list goes on and on. But somewhere along the line the church let it get a little (ok, a lot) out of hand. In fact, my wife and I were actually asked to leave a young adults church group because we were outside of the targeted demographic. Long story short, we did oblige them and leave…not just the young adult ministry but that church entirely.
There is huge value in younger people (single or married) interacting with older people (single or married) who are more mature and have more life experiences and wisdom to impart.
Maybe the failure of the church in this area is just a symptom of a larger issue…many churches today keep watering down their messages so as not to offend anyone and in doing so lose their true intended identity…to be a deliverer of Truth…and the Truth can be difficult to hear many times. The growth of moral relativism is as prevalent in many churches today as it is in the secular world. In fact, many churches willing to speak the Truth get marginlized by the political correctness police as fringe elements clinging to bigoted, old fashioned views that have no place in today’s world.
Lastly, though I agree with your premise, let’s not forget who makes up the church…we do. And what have we shown single (or married for that matter), non-church goers? Do we really show them that we are different? Are we any different statistically when it comes to divorce, alcoholism, pre-marital sex? In many cases we aren’t. So when the leadership of churches is unwilling to stand in the pulpit and speak the difficult Truth about right and wrong and we don’t call them on it, we have to bear some of the responsibility for the condition of the church, as well.
Let’s not be totally cynical, either. There are many good churches doing many good works and they should be commended. But there is no doubt that America (and its churches) needs another Great Awakening…a revival among the people of God to be willing to stand up and speak the Truth and make the church a place where ALL people want to be.
i’m giving you a standing ovation, brother. amen, amen and amen.
You are right. But you did leave out the age discrimination that also plays a big part in how the church looks at single people. Most churches begin to recognize single people after the age of 55. That’s because the divorced and widows and widowers enter the single ranks and they get passes on the leadership teams and social groups because they have some kind of track record of blessedness from marriage blazing a trail of opportunity.
The biggest discrimination in the church is age discrimination. Hands down. Its not gender nor racial. It’s age. The entire Sunday school and anyone under 40 is really marginalized on influencing the direction of their local church.
I attend a great church in Portland the last 11 years (Imago Dei Community) It has many in leadership who are single and were turned away from multiple churches for leadership positions. They are a huge part of Imago’s energy and vision. The lead the marrieds in more ministry than the marrieds. It can be done. It must be realized!
Jim
Ryan – I have written on this issue for several years and it may be worse than you think. I know of several Southern Baptist Churches that have actually banned single men from serving as pastors. And they make the marriage requirement clear in newspapers when an opening becomes available: “Must be married with children.” I know of many good men who have been passed over because of this heresy. Everytime I’ve brought up the issue, I’ve been told by church authority that if a man is over such and such an age “he must be gay.” Sad to say, but the nuclear family has been put on the pedastal of idoltry in 21st century western civilization. We actually have a situation today where sexual immorality is rewarded by churches with programs such as “divorce care,” “pregnancy resource centers,” and “second chances recovery.” And sexual morality is punished by excluding Christian singles from church leadership, accusing them of being gay/lesbian, and socially stigmatizing them. All of this is backed up by the Baptist Faith and Message Statement which affirms marriage and family at length, but offers no affirmation for the unmarried. And yet they wonder why singles are leaving churches. John, 51 yo, lifetime celibate