How My Dad Watches Television: Law and Order Edition

I’ve been stuck at the same base for awhile and I need some levity. And I was inspired by Jason Good’s blog post about the mind of a 3 year old. So here’s my spin:

What My Dad Says During ONE episode of Law and Order:

Bet someone gets murdered.

Bet we never see that couple again who discovers the body.

Wonder what happens to them? Are they still fighting?

Does someone get paid every time “DUN DUN” is played?

Is this the same black partner as before? (Note: please replace “black” with the word “colored”.)

Now the old guy is going to say a zinger. ZING!

This is where they go from place to place and ask a bunch of questions.

(Commerical break. Total silence)

DUN DUN! Nope, that guy says it better.

The investigation is on. They should take more notes.

Hey, Ryan, do you know who killed that guy? I bet it’s someone black*.

Oooh, they made an arrest.

They eat a lot on this show. A lot.

I could go for ice cream. Is there ice cream in the house?

WAIT WAIT! Rewind it. I missed it. I missed it.

WAIT WAIT! Pause it and I’m getting ice cream. Do you want ice cream?

(In kitchen.) What is going on? Don’t unpause it? FOR CHRIST’S SAKE KEEP IT PAUSED!

Still paused? Ok, wait. (……) Ok, unpause it. Hit play. Hit both.

Is this the same show?

Ok, it’s the same show.

WHY DO THEY KEEP CHANGING THE F-ING LAWYERS ON THIS SHOW?

Man, they are always women.

Is that true?

Do they have cute women lawyers in New York?

I got F-ing ice cream all down my shirt. DAMN IT.

Oh, it’s the old guy. He’s going to say something that’s really wise. Like a zinger.

ZINGER!

Trial time! They never have black* lawyers.

Wait, that guy’s lawyer is black* and he’s not black*. What the hell?

PAUSE IT! MORE ICE CREAM!

WHY DID YOUR MOTHER GET STRAWBERRY ICE CREAM? WHY?

UNPAUSE IT!

NO!

Ok now.

Alright! Surprise witness! Who knew that b@#) was going to show up? NO ONE! SURPRISE!

Ugh, closing statements, can we skip this?

DON’T FAST FORWARD IT FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! THIS IS ABOUT JUSTICE!

Man, this strawberry ice cream is good.

REWIND IT! I WAS LOOKING AT MY ICE CREAM!

See that guy WAS guilty! Did you think he was guilty? I thought he was.

Alright. Let’s watch some HOUSE! He figures @)#($* out!

If this gave you a laugh, could I get a $1 from you for charity:water?