Apparently John Mayer has built an album around my experience here in Afghanistan.

Age of Worry

Close your eyes and clone yourself
Build your heart an army
To defend your innocence
While you do everything wrong

Don’t be scared to walk alone
Don’t be scared to like it
There’s no time that you must be home
So sleep where darkness falls

Alive in the age of worry
Smile in the age of worry
Go wild in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

No your fight is not within
Yours is with your timing
Dream your dreams but don’t pretend
Make friends with what you are
Give your heart then change your mind
You’re allowed to do it
Cause God knows it’s been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say worry, why should I care?

Rage in the age of worry
Act your age in the age of worry
And say worry, get out of here!

And I know some of you cannot stand the crooner, but I have to say this guy is amazing. I listen to this song and have to laugh.

Now that I have successfully put the notch in my belt of a skilled instructor here, my courage has increased a great deal. I still have some areas I need to cover, but all and all I’m getting better.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently and he said, “Make sure the projects you are working on (blog, writing ideas, world domination, a better yogurt) do not distract you from the work God is doing here.” I’m grateful I have friends who can shoot it straight.

He’s not wrong. Just as people watch a ton of TV out here, I can lift my nose up in the air and say, “Not me. I’m writing. I’m expressing myself.” But it’s just a different flavor of folly.

I do need to pay better attention to the work God is doing with/in/around/through me. I need to pay more attention.

Last night, the moon was rising over the mountains. I rounded the corner and stopped. It was huge, white and brilliant. A soldier stopped beside me and we just watched for a bit. The moon rises here too. There is silence here and stars.

When I’m away at bases, I’m by myself (hopefully). I have had a room to myself for the past week with no one in there. It’s nice. The quiet and the solitude have been comforting.

Once I have this teaching thing down, it will be easier (and I thought there was a lot of paperwork in my job before. Oooo-weee, my old job has nothing on this one.) I want to honor God by being a good teacher and giving it 100%. I don’t want to cut corners or take short cuts.

John Mayer says “Don’t be afraid to walk alone. And don’t be afraid to like it.” I think it will be a valuable part of my soul to be able to walk alone and not be afraid. I don’t want to depend on people like a parasite. I want to offer myself as being authentic and not be in it for another selfish reason.

I don’t want my soul to be in such a hurry any longer. I’m a bit tired. And if Afghanistan teaches you anything, it’s how to slow down. Hardly anything is on time. Hardly anything besides a drone moves fast.

But I’m going to enjoy this time where I don’t have any worry dwelling in my heart. I’m going to enjoy this respite from my own darkness.

Someone asked me on Facebook, “What’s the one quality you want when you leave Afghanistan?”

I could pick from a lot of qualities: authentic, skinny, muscular, well-read, holy, etc.

But if I had to pick one, like a pill at the end of this journey, I’d say it’s being brave.

I’m not a brave person. I look at most challenges and shirk. And I don’t want to be that guy anymore. I want to bite off way more than I can chew and do things that just put people on stun.

I no longer want the ongoing chorus of, “Ryan, you are not good enough” to echo in my brain. I want to get off the plane on April 10th, 2013 and be wearing a suit of armor.

And face some dragons.